Wednesday, May 15, 2013

Running in Place: An exercise in complaining

It seems that no matter how much we apply ourselves, to any task or challenge at hand, all we can do it stay on an even keel. We don't make progress. We don't lose ground but we never seem to gain. If we do manage, by some miracle to make some progress in one area, we lose an immense amount in another area. The trend has the capacity to leave me questioning many things. Am I the best person for the task at hand? Is there something that I could be doing differently that would be more effective? Sweat, elbow grease, and vigilant effort seem to do nothing. 

All the while, I watch the people around me list their homes and make progress in their lives. I can not for the life of me, figure out where I have gone wrong. I have always thought that if you tried hard enough that you could make just about anything a reality but the harder we try, the more it seems like wasted effort and time. We have sacrificed many of our weekends and most of our free time to getting our house ready while those around us can do it in a week or two. I didn't think that our home was in such a state of disrepair that it would require almost every waking moment to get it ready to sell. I have no love for the building any longer. At first it was a pleasure to improve and clean up but the constant onslaught of never ending tasks has left me feeling downtrodden and at a loss. I can't look past the flaws to see it how other people will view it and perhaps that is the real issue. Jessie seems to think we have made real progress and that things are coming right along. I only wish I were so optimistic. Up until now, I have considered myself pretty handy and capable but the further we delve into this sea of repairs and improvements the more I realize just how bad I allowed everything to get. Some preventative maintenance would have gone a long way. On top of everything else, it could be months before this place actually sells, if ever. 

To have come so far and be only at the point of wanting to walk away is a sad state of affairs indeed. I can only hope that maybe in the coming weeks we actually get to a point where maybe we can list the house. I need a moment away, with the wind through my visor, and the only concern where the next stop on the journey is. I have lost all optimism for this task and have come to a state of apathy and cynicism regarding the whole thing. 

The worst part, as we "progress" through these repairs I know in the back of my mind that I still have two cars in need of attention, a job I am less than efficient at, and a variety of other trivial concerns that combine to form an "Everest" sized to do list that may never actually have any progress made on it either. How is it that those around me go through life moment to moment enjoying each step of their epic journey? What life lesson have I missed out on that has left me ill equipped to balance all the facets of my life?

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